Tuesday, March 01, 2011

30 Days of Truth | Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

So with this 30 Days of Truth meme, I'm supposed to write something about a chosen theme every day for 30 days. I have a couple of friends who said they wanted to do this with me, so we will be comparing notes later.

30 Days of Truth: Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

That is a somewhat negative way to begin this writing meme.

But...

I hate being afraid.

I hate feeling powerless in situations which are unfair to myself and others. I hate feeling powerless over my emotions.

I hate the sense of a loss of control over the circumstances in my life, which is often, because of fear.

I hate being weak.

My whole life I fought against the perceived weakness within myself. I am a fighter - it has become my instinct against fear. I fight when I am afraid, because I rather go down fighting than give up. Surrender is not an option. The only way to combat fear is to face it head-on. Those of you who are into astrology, you should not be surprised when I tell you I am an Aries Sun sign.

Then the last few years threw me against my assumptions. Time and time again I am thrown into situations that terrify me, where I have limited or absolutely no control; Surgery, unfair work situations bordering on exploitation, elderly parent with mental health issues, a pretty long term unemployment - I dealt with them all with differing success.

But lately I have began to reconsider my reactive approach to the things that scare me. Perhaps, what I really hate is feeling vulnerable. Perhaps real strength is not in fighting against weakness, but in being able to lean into vulnerability. Perhaps the really courageous people are not those that rage against the dying of the night - but those that accept the uncertainties, that accept the grounds falling apart from beneath our feet.

Perhaps real courage is the grace to surrender, to be willing to embrace the things that scare you.

Perhaps my whole life up to now has been about running away, and maybe I am not the fighter in life that I thought I was. Perhaps all the drama of my fighting is just a strategy for distraction and numbing the fear of opening my heart to vulnerability.

I want to change this. I want to open my heart to vulnerability.

3 comments:

V said...

i love this almost as much as i love you. xo

Chasing Snails said...

Seems you have already started to make the change w this post ;)

An open heart invites more life experience and that is always a good thing. :)

darkorpheus said...

There is still a lot of work to be done. :)