Thursday, March 03, 2011

30 Days of Truth | Day 3: Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I never set out to be hurtful or unkind. If I do treat people unkindly, it's usually more out of impatience or a bad temper than ill-will.

But there are some people who seem to push my buttons in the worse possible way. They are always the people that I care about, because only the ones you love have the power to get under your skin so badly.

I love her, in a complicated sort of way. And I know my mom is the person who loves me the most in the world.

But I spent so many years of my being angry at her, that I haven't been kind to my mom. I get reactive around her. I have less patience with her than I do with most people. It's as though I forgot how to be kind with my mom.

My mom's health has been declining for some time now. And I still haven't figured out how to get along with her. I don't know if I will ever be able to reconcile our differences. I know I have not told her I love her for more than 20 years.

Every time I raise my voice at her, or I lose my temper - I feel bad afterwards.

I don't know why I find it so difficult to be kind to my mom. For the major part of my life, I defined myself AGAINST my mom. I see her as weak, so I want to strong. In a way, she represented everything I despise, because I don't want to be like her. I don't want to be so weak that I allow people to walk all over me and not fight back.

I think it's the saddest thing in the world for a daughter to feel that way about her mom.

I am not the daughter my mom hopes for.

Maybe I just don't have enough love in me to be a better daughter.

Maybe I am not meant to forgive myself for being this way with my mom.


V said...

just as you want people to love and accept you for who you are, you should love others in the same way. perhaps in a quiet moment, when you're in a god mood, take time to tell your mom how much you lover her, as awkward as it may be. life is too short. re-read what you said you love about yourself, yesterday, and then apply that to the person who loves you most unconditionally.

darkorpheus said...

I don't know if I have enough strength. Sometimes I feel like I need to block her out to stay sane, just so that her anxieties and fears do not drive me crazy either.

darkorpheus said...

Not that sure about unconditional love either.