I never set out to be hurtful or unkind. If I do treat people unkindly, it's usually more out of impatience or a bad temper than ill-will.
But there are some people who seem to push my buttons in the worse possible way. They are always the people that I care about, because only the ones you love have the power to get under your skin so badly.
I love her, in a complicated sort of way. And I know my mom is the person who loves me the most in the world.
But I spent so many years of my being angry at her, that I haven't been kind to my mom. I get reactive around her. I have less patience with her than I do with most people. It's as though I forgot how to be kind with my mom.
My mom's health has been declining for some time now. And I still haven't figured out how to get along with her. I don't know if I will ever be able to reconcile our differences. I know I have not told her I love her for more than 20 years.
Every time I raise my voice at her, or I lose my temper - I feel bad afterwards.
I don't know why I find it so difficult to be kind to my mom. For the major part of my life, I defined myself AGAINST my mom. I see her as weak, so I want to strong. In a way, she represented everything I despise, because I don't want to be like her. I don't want to be so weak that I allow people to walk all over me and not fight back.
I think it's the saddest thing in the world for a daughter to feel that way about her mom.
I am not the daughter my mom hopes for.
Maybe I just don't have enough love in me to be a better daughter.
Maybe I am not meant to forgive myself for being this way with my mom.