Forgiveness, Sarah McLachlan

"Forgiveness"

Loving lying enemy
I have seen your face before
Never thought again I’d see
Didn’t want to anymore

I remember your loving eyes
And the moonlit kiss
The evening lullabies I will truly miss
Through the years we had it all
Midnight whispers, the midday calls
This house of cards, it had to fall

And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel

Every time I see you
I can’t help but look away
All along I had believed everything you’d say
When I look now I know I’ve seen your face before
Don’t want your deceiving smile
Standing at my door
And I don’t care what people say
I’m ready now to face this day

And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel

Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
if you have to hurt

And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel

Pema Chodron - on looking for answers

Emerson: Tomorrow is a New Day

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friend as someone who believes in you

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself"

Time and time again, I have this illustrated to me. My friends balance me, by offering the other point of view that I sorely need, even as I often stretch their patience. These days though, I am starting to remind myself of the need to stand on my own two feet in believing in myself. I lost myself a while back. It happens. Now is the time to find my bearings and come back again.

Fearless rawness

“Sometimes people find that being tender and raw is threatening and seemingly exhausting. Openness seems demanding and energy-consuming, so they prefer to cover up their tender heart. Vulnerability can sometimes make you nervous. It is uncomfortable to feel so real, so you want to numb yourself. You look for some kind of anesthetic, anything that will provide you with entertainment. Then you can forget the discomfort of reality. People don’t want to live with their basic rawness for even fifteen minutes. When people say they are bored, often they mean that they don’t want to experience the sense of emptiness, which is also an expression of openness and vulnerability. So they pick up the newspaper or read anything else that’s lying around the room—even reading what it says on a cereal box to keep themselves entertained. The search for entertainment to babysit your boredom soon becomes legitimized as laziness. Such laziness actually involves a lot of exertion. You have to constantly crank things up to occupy yourself with, overcoming your boredom by indulging in laziness.

For the warrior, fearlessness is the opposite of that approach. Fearlessness is a question of learning how to be. Be there all along: that is the message. That is quite challenging in what we call the setting-sun world, the world of neurotic comfort where we use everything to fill up the space. On the other hand, if we are in touch with basic goodness, we are always relating to the world directly, choicelessly, whether the energy of the situation demands a destructive or a constructive response. The idea of renunciation is to relate with whatever arises with a sense of sadness and tenderness. We reject the aggressive, hard-core street-fighter mentality. The neurotic upheavals created by overcoming conflicting emotions, or the kleshas, arise from ignorance, or avidya. This is the fundamental ignorance that underlies all ego-oriented activity. Ignorance is very harsh and willing to stick with its own version of things. Therefore, it feels very righteous. Overcoming that is the essence of renunciation: we have no hard edges.

Warriorship is so tender, without skin, without tissue, naked and raw. It is soft and gentle. You have renounced putting on a new suit of armor. You have renounced growing a thick, hard skin. You are willing to expose naked flesh, bone, and marrow to the world.”
~ from Smile At Fear: Awakening The True Heart Of Bravery by Chogyam Trunpga

Colour-coded Baby Cards

My friend Cara is due to deliver her first baby this May. She's excited, and so far everything is fine, according to the doctor. Cara and her husband have opted not to know the baby's gender. They want to be surprised.

I was at the stationary store today and they had a collection of cards for new born babies. Since I have no idea if the baby was going to be a boy or a girl, I needed something a little gender-neutral.

This is when I was dumbfounded; most of the cards to welcome the birth of a new baby are colour-coded: Pink for a New Baby Girl, and Blue for a New Baby Boy. There is only ONE white card for a newborn baby.

Just seems to me that we are terribly fond of stereotyping through colours, even for a babies. I became somewhat disgusted, so I left the store without buying a card.

Something I have been thinking about lately ...

There was a little boy with large anger issues. He rampaged about his life angry at the world, believing it meant him harm. His father observing this gave his son a bag of large nails and told him that every time he felt anger he should hammer a nail in the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence but gradually the number of daily nails dwindled as he discovered it was easier to change his view than to drive those nails into that fence.

Finally the first day came when the boy didn’t feel angry at all and he proudly announced this to his father. His father, in turn, suggested that he now pull out one nail for each day he felt at peace. The days passed slowly but at last the young boy was finally able to report that all the nails were gone. The father led his son by the hand to the fence saying:

“You have done well, but I want you to notice all the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. In much the same way when you express anger, it leaves a scar on you and the other person. With time, compassion, wisdom and understanding most wounds will heal however isn’t it so much easier not to hammer in all those nails to begin with?”

The Dalai Lama's Instructions for life

Came across this the other day:

The Dalai Lama's Instructions for life:

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Follow the three R's:
- Respect for self.
- Respect for others.
- Responsibility for all your actions.
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Spend some time alone everyday.
Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
Be gentle with the earth.
Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon."
— Dalai Lama XIV

Steve Jobs: Find Work You Love

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."

-- Steve Jobs in his famous Stanford Commencement Speech

Tribute to Chögyam Trungpa

Tracy Chapman's "Change"

The heart finally is ready.

BtVS and Sarah McLachlan's "Prayer of St Francis"

Reposting this

Instead of just the lyrics this Monday, let’s talk about the first time I heard this song by Sarah McLachlan. This might not make sense if you’re not familiar with Buffy the Vampire Slayer though.

Each season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer ends with Buffy battling the Big Bad – in Season 1 it was the Master, in Season 2 it was Angelus and so on.

In Season 6 (or was that Season 7? I can’t remember and I’m too lazy to fact-check) of the series the writers change the direction for the season finale. They made three losers the “villains” of the season. They were pathetic, all their dastardly plans failed, and they were often the clowns of the series – until one of them came after Buffy with a gun. Buffy was shot, and a second stray bullet killed Tara.

The death of Tara was the trigger that took Willow over the edge. This was what the entire season arc was really leading up to – our favourite red-headed geek-witch as the Big Bad of Season 6: the Dark Willow. She was out to kill the three losers responsible and she will crush anyone who gets in her way. But before that, she went to the emergency room and pulled the bullet out of Buffy with her powers; Dark Willow could save Buffy, but not Tara. No magic in the world can bring Tara back, because she died by normal means – an ordinary bullet, from a gun, fired by a human. That is the way nature works, and Willow could not accept that.

When Dark Willow went after the three losers, Buffy ran after her. Buffy wasn’t that concern about the losers – one of them did try to kill her afterall. But Buffy loved her friend: dear, sweet mousy Willow who was smart and cute and kind. Buffy was trying to prevent Willow from committing murder – because once she crossed that line, she will never be the same.

But Buffy was too late. Dark Willow found the loser responsible for Tara’s death. She tied him up in the woods, drove a bullet into his flesh to make him feel the excruciating pain. The loser whined, begged, cursed, and Dark Willow, with a sigh: “Bored now” – flayed him.

Flayed – as in tore the whole skin from his body. It was graphic and horrific, and that deed told Buffy that Willow was lost to them. She understood her duty now is to stop the Dark Willow that used to be her friend, who has decided she would try to end the world.

Towards the end, when Dark Willow was raising a satanic cathedral that would end the world, it was not Buffy who came to the rescue. It was Xander who arrived. He told Willow he was sorry about Tara, he told Willow he loves her. He let her know that he still sees his best friend from kindergarten, who cried when she broke the yellow crayons. Xander, the loser with no power, saved the day. It could have been cheesy, but the scene was genuinely touching. Willow couldn’t kill her best friend, and she started pounding at him with her fists furiously, before finally allowing herself to break down. The source of Willow’s rage and hatred has been her deep, inconsolable grief. When she could finally cry, the dark magic lost their possession of Willow.

Where was Buffy? She was stuck in a pit with her sister, with monsters that kept coming at them. When the dark magic lost control of Willow, the monsters in the pit stopped coming. Buffy climbed out of the pit with her sister. As the sisters stood in the daylight, wondering why the world did not end, nevertheless glad to be alive here and now with each other – Sarah McLachlan’s "Prayer of St. Francis" played as the closing theme of the season.

It wasn’t strength, or supernatural power that saved the day. Buffy, the strongest of them all, was trapped with her sister, Dawn, in a deep pit full of monsters that kept coming at them. In the end she despaired. She knew her strength would eventually fail her, and Dawn will die with her; she wasn’t strong enough to protect them both.

Willow was the most powerful witch in the western hemisphere (or was that the northern hemisphere? If I had my Buffy DVDs with me, I would check) – but she couldn’t save Tara.

What Xander did was he looked beneath the violence and all that has come to pass. He put himself in harm’s way and spoke to the part of Willow that was grieving. He offered compassion and love in place of violence, because in the greater scheme of things, strength does not resolve violence or hatred. Only love and compassion can do that.

Sarah McLachlan adapted the Prayer of St. Francis into a song. It is a simple but profound prayer, and when we combine it with the beauty of Sarah McLachlan’s vocals, it is sublime.

The Prayer of St. Francis

Lord make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive-
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen

As a song it is a short one, about 2 minutes. Nevertheless, I have played it over and over and never tired of it. Its message is universal: It is about humility: “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace” – a plea to serve, to be a vessel of love to the world. It asks of us to go against our lesser impulses, to return hatred with love, where there is injury, to offer pardon. For me, Prayer of St. Francis is yoga music.

NOTE: “The Prayer of St. Francis” is available on Sarah McLachlan’s Rarities, B-Sides & Other Stuff: Vol. 2 and Buffy the Vampire Slayer Soundtrack.

QUOTE | Friends

"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day."

— Dalai Lama XIV

"the worst part is there's no-one else to blame"

Sia's "Breathe Me" is one of those songs I replay on my iPod from time to time. There is something poignantly true in the lyrics. As much as we would like to believe people learn from their mistakes -- we don't always do. All of us are 'hooked' in our own ways, all of us have our neuroses, our insecurities and vulnerabilities. When it hurts, we react defensively -- some of us lash out in anger, we blame, we turn cold and cutting with our words, while some of use just retreat into ourselves, we become silent and distant.

We are conditioned to deal with pain from an early age, and they are familiar recurring habits throughout our lives. That is one of the conditions of being human.

Recently I found myself playing out my habitual defensive drama. It has been a difficult few months, culminating in a birthday month where I was overwhelmed by a sense of loss, grief and groundlessness. I ended up behaving in a self-destructive manner that alienated a few friends.

Sia's song could be the theme song to everything that happened:

"Help, I have done it again/I have been here many times before/Hurt myself again today/And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame"

I keep a wall between myself and the world on most days. But occasionally I slip and allow people to get close. When the inevitable conflict and difficulties arises, I get confused, stressed out. , When relationships start to slip away, I react. I wanted to kill my heart a little so that it would stop hurting. I did what I felt I had to do then, because the pain was just too much to bear.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

It came to a point when I just felt numb. Sort of like a disorientation after a car-crash. People that cared about me wrote to tell me how my actions have hurt them. While a part of me is numb, there is still a small part that can still feel. I know what I did. It was self-centred of me to punish others for my own pain.

Now the dust has settled, I am looking back and I see actions have consequences. Now that I can see where I am headed, it is time to back-track and move on in the right direction.

In life, we are always going to slip a little from sanity occasionally.It is not excusable, or right or wrong. It is the way things are. Just get up and move on in the right direction. You are human. You are vulnerable. Don't let your mistakes define you. Take responsibility for your mistakes.

For friends that are gone, if they are meant to be, they may return. Otherwise, goodbye.

Minimalism as a State of Mind

Minimalism is sort of a romantic ideal for me. As much as I admire the notion of living life simply, with as little possession as possible, some how I would often unconsciously end up buying things and accumulating stuff. It's something that takes consistent effort. But it is possible. A lot of people who found themselves suddenly jobless in the midst of an economic crisis somehow learned to adapt to having every little.

When I was jobless - with no income, I bought very little. I used the library often, I spent mainly on food and necessities. I don't even buy CDs anymore, and I bought no new clothes. Now that I am with an income again, I look around, and I see how much I have been spending, buying, consuming - it's a vicious cycle.

I just found this 100 Thing Challenge. Dave Bruno basically outlines the minimalistic effort in 3 steps:

Reduce (get rid of some of your stuff)

Refuse (to get more new stuff)

Rejigger (your priorities)

Our possession is somehow tied to our state of mind. I know whenever I feel overwhelmed by emotions, clearing the clutter around me helps. Maybe it's a psychological thing - what happens within manifest itself without. Just that when I look seriously at the things around me, I often wonder: "Is this something I need, or something I would like to have?"

That is a question for the heart too: "Do I need this, or I am just holding on because I think I cannot be happy without it."

Going to explore http://www.becomingminimalist.com.

Birthday is over

So my birthday is over.

I had only one birthday wish this year. It did not come to pass, because it isn't something I can only ask for, but whether it comes or not, that's an act of grace. I can work towards making the conditions right for things to unfold - but everything is karma.

I have been reading about hopelessness as a spiritual practice lately. Hope is defined as looking for something in the future to change. Faith is trusting what is happening here and now is what we need to do, where we need to be. You stop looking for something in the future to make you happy.

I have to admit it is difficult. So difficult.

I wish the people I love would stop leaving me.

“There are times to cultivate and create, when you nurture your world and give birth to new ideas and ventures. There are times of flourishing and abundance, when life feels in full bloom, energized and expanding. And there are times of fruition, when things come to an end. They have reached their climax and must be harvested before they begin to fade. And finally of course, there are times that are cold, and cutting and empty, times when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream. Those rhythms in life are natural events. They weave into one another as day follows night, bringing, not messages of hope and fear, but messages of how things are.” ~ Chögyam Trungpa

Happiness

I asked a friend once if he gambles. He replied in the negative. He told me, "I never put my money on anything where I cannot control the outcome."

This advice works as well for life. Never place your happiness on anything where you do not control the outcome.

“Ten Suggestions for Having a Regular Daily Practice Even if You Would Rather Be Thrown into a Shark-Infested Ocean”

Birthday notes:

By Diane Winston, excerpted from Shambhala Sun:

1. Be gentle on yourself. If you think you’re a failure and berate yourself for missing a day or a week, meditation then becomes another excuse for self-hatred. Look, meditation training is like swimming upstream, doable, but takes some effort. Be forgiving, yet keep at it.

2. Allow it to become a habit. Try to do it at the same time in the same place everyday. The way to cultivate a habit is to actually do it. The more consistent you can be, the easier it is for the new grooves to be worn into your brain.

3. Review your day and pick a time to do it that makes sense. If you are not a morning person, in fact can’t even look at yourself in the mirror until after you’ve had your coffee, wait till later in the day. If you come home exhausted every night, try the mornings.

4. Be willing to be flexible. If you miss your morning session, be creative. Take a mindful, silent walk at work; sit before you fall asleep. Don’t throw in the towel just because your daily routine got upended.

5. Prioritize. You need to somehow insert into your brain that meditation is just as important as brushing your teeth, showering, eating, Friends reruns, whatever it is. I think it’s amazing how much time we find to answer email but how strikingly little time there is to sit daily. Hmmmm.

6. Set your intention. Ask yourself as you sit down, why am I meditating today? See what emerges. Then ask yourself, what are my deepest reasons for practice? Return to these motivations when the going gets tough. A liberated mind takes work and reminders.

7. Pick a doable amount of time. Don’t strive for an hour unless it seems easy to you. Twenty minutes to a half hour can work fine. Up it, if that seems easy and fits in with your schedule. Even five minutes will activate those neural pathways, keep it going. And get a new groove forming.

8. If all else fails, get your sweet self on your cushion and take three breaths.

9. Sometimes sitting truly feels impossible. Then use your designated time for some kind of spiritually supportive practice: read a dharma book, listen to a tape, write in your journal.

10. When you screw up, be gentle on yourself. I already said this, but I’ll say it again, it’s key for developing a regular practice.

Empathic Civilisation

RSA Animate - The Empathic Civilisation

An animated exposition on human empathy. To empathize is to civilize.

Never Doubt

A friend and I haven't spoken for a while. I contacted her last night about our mutual friend, the one that passed away on Sunday. She said this to me:

"... but i never doubt that you will be there for me"

Sometimes when you just need a reminder of love, you get it.