Tuesday, January 18, 2011

2011 | Predictable

10) Take full responsibility for maintaining the positive friendship in my life

Last week taught me something. Or rather, it brought an uncomfortable clarity to one of my existing relationship. The friendship has been painful and toxic for a while. There were many reasons for this - but the main reason (and this is a large part my fault)- is my unresolved romantic feelings for the other party. These unresolved feelings bring with them the disastrous baggage of expectations, hopes and disappointments.

I am the sort that starves until I find something I truly want. I wanted someone too much. I really, really wanted to be with this person.

No one else is responsible for my feelings, and I could not manage my heart. Still, a very human instinct is to blame the other party, or we tell ourselves: if I could just communicate my needs, perhaps the other party would change their behaviour to avoid causing hurt. If they don't, well, maybe they don't care enough. Maybe they don't care at all.

I have trapped myself in an emotional loop that will eventually drive me crazy. I finally snapped a few days ago. In a very predictable fashion, I imploded, did everything I could to drive the other party away.

So here we are. I have finally done what I need to do. I need the healing to start soon, because the pain is almost unbearable.


Courtney said...

I think being able to admit this is a really wonderful thing, actually. You are very self-aware when I know so many people in a similar position who aren't at all. You can begin the healing process now and move on. Very insightful post!

darkorpheus said...

@Courtney - I wish I was self-aware enough to not make the mistakes that I did. I ruined a beautiful friendship with a wonderful person.

Kristi said...

Well, I don't think very many of us are self-aware enough to prevent mistakes especially when it comes to matters of the heart. The heart is a wild thing and it can get you into trouble. But as Courtney said, you can heal and move on, when you're ready.