I just found out that one of my colleague S. is on hospitalisation leave. She is keeping the details of her condition private, so as much as we are worried and concerned, we also need to respect her right to privacy.
I found out about the hospitalisation through a phone message this evening. I was making my way to Ashtanga class, and I just decided to check my mobile phone for messages. The news caught me off guard. We knew S. has been going to the doctor for some medical tests the past few months - but again, because she has kept it out of the workplace, I feel I do not have the right to ask.
I wish there is something I could do. I like S. I wish I could help. I guess this is where I am not a very good Buddhist, because I feel S. deserves better - and this shouldn't be happening to her. I can't bring myself to accept that bad things like illness happens.
Right before yoga class, I spoke to a mutual friend about S. The friend pointed out that S. isn't as strong as she liked to pretend she is. She has a lot of people who cares about her, but she has problem allowing them to be there for her. You don't want to force your concern on them and get in their face. They have enough to deal with. But you also wish there is something you can do.
It should be about them - not what you want for them.
I was in the bathroom right before yoga class, and for a brief moment, I lost control of my emotions; I cried - a little. I'm not even sure why. I don't even know what's happening to S. exactly.
They say prayer helps, even when the intended party has no idea they are being prayed for. A part of me wonders if we need to believe this because praying allows us at least, to pretend that we are doing something.
Do I have so little faith? Maybe. What do I have faith in? And why is this a WoYo post?
All I know is that there are different ways of praying. I also believe we need to be able to pray, because we need to believe there is a way of communicating with something larger than ourselves.
All I know is that this evening, when I was waiting for my yoga teacher to come to class, all I could think about was what my Anusara teacher once taught us, about making our practice something larger than ourselves.
So tonight, my practice is dedicated to S. If there is any benefits in my practice, may it all go to you.
Because I don't know what else is there I can do.