Rawness of a Broken Heart

An analogy for bodhichitta is the rawness of a broken heart. Sometimes this broken heart gives birth to anxiety and panic, sometimes to anger, resentment, and blame. But under the hardness of that armor there is the tenderness of genuine sadness. This is our link with all those who have ever loved. This genuine heart of sadness can teach us great compassion. It can humble us when we’re arrogant and soften us when we are unkind. It awakens us when we prefer to sleep and pierces through our indifference. This continual ache of the heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all.”

~ Pema Chodron

Renunciation

I came across this saying recently, and it made me think:
Suzuki Roshi said, "Renunciation is not giving up the things of this world, but accepting that they go away."
I have been focused on loss these past few months. I think it is time to work from a place of growth instead of loss.

Surrendering Aggression

Love is a state of mind without a center or self. Therefore, it doesn’t feel threatened. Since, it is not afraid it isn’t obliged to judge everything on the basis of what it stands to lose or gain in the relationship. So, love is able to simply appreciate the present moment without seeking ownership or destruction. It is free of aggression… This sort of open door policy is generosity. Of course, this is scary from a certain point of view…

The ego devotes all of its time and energy to keeping the door shut. However, the door swinging open is always a possibility precisely because there is a door! This possibility drives the ego mad or gives rise to a a certain kind of paranoia. On the other hand, this door is our “soft spot” or “basic goodness.” It is the indestructible quality of sanity. The door is an eternal reminder that sanity is all that there is.

We could be in the midst of a knock down drag out fight with our significant other. In our rage we say something hurtful, and then BOOM! We see it in their face. We made them sad; their feelings are hurt. Our selfish/ self-centered agenda has destroyed itself. Egocentricity is unsustainable. Life shatters all of our silly little selfish plans. Sanity immediately recognizes this sadness in the other, and begins to express itself. Insanity is revealed to be nothing more than sanity misunderstood, and we remember that we love this person, and that is all that matters! It is a soft spot…

The most subtle expression of generosity is mindfulness, or simply observing. Listening. Watching. Generosity is participation free of aggression or the neurotic need to control. No need to grasp or defend- simply listen. Life is very spacious; all we have to do is acknowledge it. Basic goodness is the potential embedded in the human condition that invites us to do just that.

~ Chogyam Trungpa

Chogyam Trungpa | Decency

“If you are a warrior, decency means that you are not cheating anybody at all. You are not even about to cheat anybody. There is a sense of straightforwardness and simplicity. With setting-sun vision, or vision based on cowardice, straightforwardness is always a problem. If people have some story or news to tell somebody else, first of all they are either excited or disappointed. Then they begin to figure out how to tell their news. They develop a plan, which leads them completely away from simply telling it. By the time a person hears the news, it is not news at all, but opinion. It becomes a message of some kind, rather than fresh, straightforward news. Decency is the absence of strategy. It is of utmost importance to realize that the warrior’s approach should be simple-minded sometimes, very simple and straightforward. That makes it very beautiful: you having nothing up your sleeve; therefore a sense of genuineness comes through. That is decency.

- Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Sometimes I wonder about this straightforwardness, and I wonder if I am just naive or truly the "warrior" that I was supposed to be. It seems the world don't make it easy for someone trying to be decent in this world. I wish it was easier.

Things in Perspective, Sometimes

We have reached May 2011, and it has been a stressful year. I told my friend V recently that 2011 feels like the year of loss. I lost friendships (plural) through death, and through an inability to control my emotions.

Recently I find myself trying to make amends with some friends. Some of these attempts have been more successful than others. Along the way, I also made a few new friends, and enriched my relationship with others.

So maybe it wasn't a total loss. Maybe it is as they say, one door closes, another door opens.

I have been trying to maintain a daily meditation practice, and while it isn't a perfect record, at least some effort has been made. If you look at the list on the right column of this blog, you will notice I have been reading a bit of Pema Chodron. She has been a tremendous inspiration for me this year.

Maybe the meditation is kicking in. I find myself being able to step back and take things in perspective again. Things move in cycles - sometimes your relationships are wonderful and your life is full of warmth and joy. Sometimes, it's cold and hurtful, and no matter what you try to do, things don't work out. You lose some, you win some.

I lost some friends this year. But I mended some relationships along the way. Maybe the people that left will return one day. Lately I keep coming back to certain passages by Pema Chodron:

Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.

Let there be space in my heart, in my life for things when they fall apart.

To Love the Questions

I had look forward to 2011 as a better year. Then a few weeks into 2011, I fell out with someone very important to me. We are still not on talking terms. I don't know if I will ever be allowed to mend bridges. Maybe one day, maybe never.

For a while, 2011 felt like a year of loss. I lost a few more friends this year: through misunderstanding, through my emotional state of mind, and one because of an illness.

I am having a lot of difficulties at my current job. I also have some wonderful colleagues, most of whom have recently quitted because they could not bear working with my boss anymore.

Once in a while I manage to breathe a little in between everything that life has been throwing at me, and sometimes, I think there might be a reason behind everything that came my way. The difficulties at work make me grateful for the little kindness and generosity I encounter at work. Losing some of my good friends make me appreciate the ones that are still around.

So maybe there is a reason behind everything that has come to pass. I need to keep that in mind every time the pressures build up and I start lamenting, "Why me?"

Maybe there is a reason behind losing some friends. Maybe it is just not yet the right time, and right now both of us are supposed to be doing other things.

“…be patient to all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

GLEE | Get It Right

I love Glee. It has this right blend of campiness with high school melodrama, and knows how a good song with the right lyrics sometimes just hits you the right way.



Rachel:
What have I done
I wish I could run away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is, on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right

Can I start again
With my faith shaken,
Rachel with Santana:Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay
And face my mistakes
Rachel with Santana:But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this

Rachel with Santana:
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right

Rachel:
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth
That sometimes life isn't fair

Rachel with Santana:
I'll send out a wish and I'll send out a prayer
And finally someone will see
How much I care

Rachel and New Directions:
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take

Rachel: To get it right
To get it right

Adele: "Don't You Remember" - Live AOL Sessions

I love Adele.

Forgiveness, Sarah McLachlan

"Forgiveness"

Loving lying enemy
I have seen your face before
Never thought again I’d see
Didn’t want to anymore

I remember your loving eyes
And the moonlit kiss
The evening lullabies I will truly miss
Through the years we had it all
Midnight whispers, the midday calls
This house of cards, it had to fall

And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel

Every time I see you
I can’t help but look away
All along I had believed everything you’d say
When I look now I know I’ve seen your face before
Don’t want your deceiving smile
Standing at my door
And I don’t care what people say
I’m ready now to face this day

And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel

Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
if you have to hurt

And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel

Pema Chodron - on looking for answers

Emerson: Tomorrow is a New Day

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friend as someone who believes in you

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself"

Time and time again, I have this illustrated to me. My friends balance me, by offering the other point of view that I sorely need, even as I often stretch their patience. These days though, I am starting to remind myself of the need to stand on my own two feet in believing in myself. I lost myself a while back. It happens. Now is the time to find my bearings and come back again.

Fearless rawness

“Sometimes people find that being tender and raw is threatening and seemingly exhausting. Openness seems demanding and energy-consuming, so they prefer to cover up their tender heart. Vulnerability can sometimes make you nervous. It is uncomfortable to feel so real, so you want to numb yourself. You look for some kind of anesthetic, anything that will provide you with entertainment. Then you can forget the discomfort of reality. People don’t want to live with their basic rawness for even fifteen minutes. When people say they are bored, often they mean that they don’t want to experience the sense of emptiness, which is also an expression of openness and vulnerability. So they pick up the newspaper or read anything else that’s lying around the room—even reading what it says on a cereal box to keep themselves entertained. The search for entertainment to babysit your boredom soon becomes legitimized as laziness. Such laziness actually involves a lot of exertion. You have to constantly crank things up to occupy yourself with, overcoming your boredom by indulging in laziness.

For the warrior, fearlessness is the opposite of that approach. Fearlessness is a question of learning how to be. Be there all along: that is the message. That is quite challenging in what we call the setting-sun world, the world of neurotic comfort where we use everything to fill up the space. On the other hand, if we are in touch with basic goodness, we are always relating to the world directly, choicelessly, whether the energy of the situation demands a destructive or a constructive response. The idea of renunciation is to relate with whatever arises with a sense of sadness and tenderness. We reject the aggressive, hard-core street-fighter mentality. The neurotic upheavals created by overcoming conflicting emotions, or the kleshas, arise from ignorance, or avidya. This is the fundamental ignorance that underlies all ego-oriented activity. Ignorance is very harsh and willing to stick with its own version of things. Therefore, it feels very righteous. Overcoming that is the essence of renunciation: we have no hard edges.

Warriorship is so tender, without skin, without tissue, naked and raw. It is soft and gentle. You have renounced putting on a new suit of armor. You have renounced growing a thick, hard skin. You are willing to expose naked flesh, bone, and marrow to the world.”
~ from Smile At Fear: Awakening The True Heart Of Bravery by Chogyam Trunpga

Colour-coded Baby Cards

My friend Cara is due to deliver her first baby this May. She's excited, and so far everything is fine, according to the doctor. Cara and her husband have opted not to know the baby's gender. They want to be surprised.

I was at the stationary store today and they had a collection of cards for new born babies. Since I have no idea if the baby was going to be a boy or a girl, I needed something a little gender-neutral.

This is when I was dumbfounded; most of the cards to welcome the birth of a new baby are colour-coded: Pink for a New Baby Girl, and Blue for a New Baby Boy. There is only ONE white card for a newborn baby.

Just seems to me that we are terribly fond of stereotyping through colours, even for a babies. I became somewhat disgusted, so I left the store without buying a card.

Something I have been thinking about lately ...

There was a little boy with large anger issues. He rampaged about his life angry at the world, believing it meant him harm. His father observing this gave his son a bag of large nails and told him that every time he felt anger he should hammer a nail in the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence but gradually the number of daily nails dwindled as he discovered it was easier to change his view than to drive those nails into that fence.

Finally the first day came when the boy didn’t feel angry at all and he proudly announced this to his father. His father, in turn, suggested that he now pull out one nail for each day he felt at peace. The days passed slowly but at last the young boy was finally able to report that all the nails were gone. The father led his son by the hand to the fence saying:

“You have done well, but I want you to notice all the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. In much the same way when you express anger, it leaves a scar on you and the other person. With time, compassion, wisdom and understanding most wounds will heal however isn’t it so much easier not to hammer in all those nails to begin with?”

The Dalai Lama's Instructions for life

Came across this the other day:

The Dalai Lama's Instructions for life:

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Follow the three R's:
- Respect for self.
- Respect for others.
- Responsibility for all your actions.
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Spend some time alone everyday.
Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
Be gentle with the earth.
Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon."
— Dalai Lama XIV

Steve Jobs: Find Work You Love

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."

-- Steve Jobs in his famous Stanford Commencement Speech

Tribute to Chögyam Trungpa

Tracy Chapman's "Change"

The heart finally is ready.

BtVS and Sarah McLachlan's "Prayer of St Francis"

Reposting this

Instead of just the lyrics this Monday, let’s talk about the first time I heard this song by Sarah McLachlan. This might not make sense if you’re not familiar with Buffy the Vampire Slayer though.

Each season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer ends with Buffy battling the Big Bad – in Season 1 it was the Master, in Season 2 it was Angelus and so on.

In Season 6 (or was that Season 7? I can’t remember and I’m too lazy to fact-check) of the series the writers change the direction for the season finale. They made three losers the “villains” of the season. They were pathetic, all their dastardly plans failed, and they were often the clowns of the series – until one of them came after Buffy with a gun. Buffy was shot, and a second stray bullet killed Tara.

The death of Tara was the trigger that took Willow over the edge. This was what the entire season arc was really leading up to – our favourite red-headed geek-witch as the Big Bad of Season 6: the Dark Willow. She was out to kill the three losers responsible and she will crush anyone who gets in her way. But before that, she went to the emergency room and pulled the bullet out of Buffy with her powers; Dark Willow could save Buffy, but not Tara. No magic in the world can bring Tara back, because she died by normal means – an ordinary bullet, from a gun, fired by a human. That is the way nature works, and Willow could not accept that.

When Dark Willow went after the three losers, Buffy ran after her. Buffy wasn’t that concern about the losers – one of them did try to kill her afterall. But Buffy loved her friend: dear, sweet mousy Willow who was smart and cute and kind. Buffy was trying to prevent Willow from committing murder – because once she crossed that line, she will never be the same.

But Buffy was too late. Dark Willow found the loser responsible for Tara’s death. She tied him up in the woods, drove a bullet into his flesh to make him feel the excruciating pain. The loser whined, begged, cursed, and Dark Willow, with a sigh: “Bored now” – flayed him.

Flayed – as in tore the whole skin from his body. It was graphic and horrific, and that deed told Buffy that Willow was lost to them. She understood her duty now is to stop the Dark Willow that used to be her friend, who has decided she would try to end the world.

Towards the end, when Dark Willow was raising a satanic cathedral that would end the world, it was not Buffy who came to the rescue. It was Xander who arrived. He told Willow he was sorry about Tara, he told Willow he loves her. He let her know that he still sees his best friend from kindergarten, who cried when she broke the yellow crayons. Xander, the loser with no power, saved the day. It could have been cheesy, but the scene was genuinely touching. Willow couldn’t kill her best friend, and she started pounding at him with her fists furiously, before finally allowing herself to break down. The source of Willow’s rage and hatred has been her deep, inconsolable grief. When she could finally cry, the dark magic lost their possession of Willow.

Where was Buffy? She was stuck in a pit with her sister, with monsters that kept coming at them. When the dark magic lost control of Willow, the monsters in the pit stopped coming. Buffy climbed out of the pit with her sister. As the sisters stood in the daylight, wondering why the world did not end, nevertheless glad to be alive here and now with each other – Sarah McLachlan’s "Prayer of St. Francis" played as the closing theme of the season.

It wasn’t strength, or supernatural power that saved the day. Buffy, the strongest of them all, was trapped with her sister, Dawn, in a deep pit full of monsters that kept coming at them. In the end she despaired. She knew her strength would eventually fail her, and Dawn will die with her; she wasn’t strong enough to protect them both.

Willow was the most powerful witch in the western hemisphere (or was that the northern hemisphere? If I had my Buffy DVDs with me, I would check) – but she couldn’t save Tara.

What Xander did was he looked beneath the violence and all that has come to pass. He put himself in harm’s way and spoke to the part of Willow that was grieving. He offered compassion and love in place of violence, because in the greater scheme of things, strength does not resolve violence or hatred. Only love and compassion can do that.

Sarah McLachlan adapted the Prayer of St. Francis into a song. It is a simple but profound prayer, and when we combine it with the beauty of Sarah McLachlan’s vocals, it is sublime.

The Prayer of St. Francis

Lord make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive-
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen

As a song it is a short one, about 2 minutes. Nevertheless, I have played it over and over and never tired of it. Its message is universal: It is about humility: “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace” – a plea to serve, to be a vessel of love to the world. It asks of us to go against our lesser impulses, to return hatred with love, where there is injury, to offer pardon. For me, Prayer of St. Francis is yoga music.

NOTE: “The Prayer of St. Francis” is available on Sarah McLachlan’s Rarities, B-Sides & Other Stuff: Vol. 2 and Buffy the Vampire Slayer Soundtrack.