Forgiveness by David Whyte

Forgiveness is a heartache, a giving away, and ultimately the refusal to be possessive about the original wound; it is the act of letting the wound have its own life so that it can heal, mostly by re-imagining itself, and not by our telling the story again and again from the point of the one who carries the hurt.

Forgiveness is a heartache and difficult to achieve because strangely, it not only refuses to eliminate the original wound, but actually draws us closer to its source. To approach forgiveness is to close in on the nature of the hurt itself, the only remedy being, as we approach its raw center, to re-imagine our relation to it.

It may be that the part of us that was struck and hurt can never forgive, and that strangely, forgive- ness never arises from the part of us that was actually wounded. The wounded self may be the part of us incapable of forgetting, and perhaps, not actually meant to forget, as if, like the foundational dynamics of the physiological immune system our psychological defenses must remember and organize against any future attacks – after all, the identity of the one who must forgive is actually founded on the very fact of having being wounded.

Stranger still, it is that wounded, branded, un-forgetting part of us that eventually makes forgiveness an act of compassion rather than one of simple forgetting. To forgive is to assume a larger identity than the person who was first hurt, to mature and bring to fruition an identity that can put its arm, not only around the afflicted one within but also around the memories seared within us by the original blow and through a kind of psychological virtuosity, extend our understanding to the one who first delivered it.

Forgiveness is a skill, a way of preserving clarity, sanity and generosity in an individual life, a beautiful way of shaping the mind to a future we want for ourselves; an admittance that if forgiveness comes through understanding, and if understanding is just a matter of time and application then we might as well begin forgiving right at the beginning of any drama rather than put ourselves through the full cycle of festering, incapacitation, reluctant healing and eventual blessing.

To forgive is to put oneself in a larger gravitational field of experience than the one that first seemed to hurt us. We re-imagine ourselves in the light of our maturity and we re-imagine the past in the light of our new identity, allowing ourselves to be gifted by a story larger than the story that first hurt us and left us bereft.

At the end of life, the wish to be forgiven is ultimately the chief desire of almost every human being. In refusing to wait; in extending forgiveness to others now; we begin the long journey of becoming the person who will be large enough, able enough and generous enough to receive, at the very end, that absolution ourselves.

Remember

I am blogging this on my iPhone in Bangkok, and it feels somewhat restrictive. But sometimes the emotions hit you and you need to let it out.

I am in Bangkok for a long weekend to celebrate my birthday. The last two birthdays haven't been that great. This year I wanted to set aside some personal time for reflection and retreat.

I have a feeling the universe is trying to communicate with me again. Which is good - even if the message is cryptic. While I was trying to figure out what the universe wants of me, and how things have been for me the last year, I suddenly remember this young lady who was like a little sister. She passed away two years ago from complications from her lupus. As her lungs and heart was failing, she start writing notes to her friends. We all received notes from her soon after her death. I remember the news of her death came 10 days before my birthday. Then her final note to me. I almost cried when I read her note, but I was in public and I didn't want to cry amongst strangers.

in her note, she reminded me how once, when she was in a dark place because of a family bereavement, I was there for her as a friend. I didn't think much of it, but it had meant a lot to her, to know someone was willing to be there with her. In her note, she told me this, that it didn't matter what she meant to me, she wanted me to know what I meant to her.

She passed away on March 14, 2011. I just realised that I forgot her death anniversary this year. It has only been two years and I forgot her.

I am going to remember her, especially what she taught me.

None of us know how much time we really have left in this world. Honestly, if we are suddenly given only one year to live, would all the bitter grievances and past quarrels matter? No. I just know if I only have a short time to put my affairs in order, I want to spend it putting things right. I want to let the people in my life know what they
mean to me. And it doesn't matter if they loved me back. Doesn't matter anymore.

Given enough time, nothing matters anymore except the kindness.

BOOK | Finding Freedom by Jarvis Jay Masters

I want to leave my writing behind for when I am gone and the question of who I was enters people's minds. If I am executed, there will be some who believe I deserved it. But those who want to try to make sense of it will see, through my writing, a human being who made mistakes. Maybe my writing will at least help them see me as someone who felt, loved, and cared, someone who wanted to know for himself who he was. My writing will hopefully show those people that they could easily have been me.
- Jarvis Jay Masters, Finding Freedom

I have spent some time thinking about what to blog after reading Jarvis Jay Master's Finding Freedom. For one thing, the writing is simple, not exactly literary, but it felt like a breath of fresh air. Here was a man thrown into prison. As a man on death's row, society has marked him as condemned. Yet there exists a yearning to know himself truly. Even a death sentence cannot diminish the dignity of a life, nor put out the desire for life. It reminded me of something George Orwell wrote in his essay, "A Hanging":

It is curious, but till that moment I had never realized what it means to destroy a healthy, conscious man. When I saw the prisoner step aside to avoid the puddle, I saw the mystery, the unspeakable wrongness, of cutting a life short when it is in full tide. This man was not dying, he was alive just as we were alive. All the organs of his body were working--bowels digesting food, skin renewing itself, nails growing, tissues forming--all toiling away in solemn foolery. His nails would still be growing when he stood on the drop, when he was falling through the air with a tenth of a second to live. His eyes saw the yellow gravel and the grey walls, and his brain still remembered, foresaw, reasoned--reasoned even about puddles. He and we were a party of men walking together, seeing, hearing, feeling, understanding the same world; and in two minutes, with a sudden snap, one of us would be gone--one mind less, one world less.

In the midst of great suffering, there rises the yearning to really know yourself. In his simple language, Jarvis articulated an extraordinary capacity for self-awareness. He folds his blanket every morning, and sits down on it for his meditation. Even in the midst of the violence of his surrounding, he showed that it is still possible for a kind of peace within. He struggles with it, and prison is a place where trying to help someone might just get him killed. Yet he still makes the effort. He shows up for his life.

After reading Jarvis's story, all I really had to ask myself was this: what is my excuse for not practicing wholeheartedly? Can my circumstances be more difficult than Jarvis'? Have I showed up for my life, like Jarvis did for his?

Gratitude | Getting my run in tonight

I admit I didn't feel like running today. I did a bit of cycling, which I had intended to compensate for the non-running, even though I was supposed to do a long run this weekend. Sometimes you just struggle against the run.

Somewhere along the way, I got myself outside at 9 pm and just ran. Clocked 3.47 miles. Not a lot, but it's great considering just last October, I was breathless after 5 minutes of running. Running is as much a mind exercise. I had intended to run longer, but the moment I came out from the park connector, my mind just told myself I am done. And I was. The mind has strategies to keep the body from tiring itself out. But that's okay. I ended up doing some grocery shopping before heading home.

Let us just be grateful for those days when you did not want to do something, but you did it anyway, because you need to keep your word to yourself. When I keep faith with myself, I align my actions with my intentions. That's who I want to be. Little by little, just by showing up. Not a big deal to run 3 miles, I know. But it's one step forward in a life. That's what it means. And that's important.

(Night scene from my run earlier)

Dr Brene Brown Speaks

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; . . . who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” —Theodore Roosevelt

I had the good fortune to attend Dr Brene Brown's talk this afternoon. Her TED talk helped me reconsider the way I had been living my life - that the armour I kept around myself has not served me. It has in fact kept me disconnected, diminished my life. But along the way, I also learned just how courageous I am, in those moments when I did risk, when I did dare greatly. As Dr Brown reminded us this afternoon, it is not the critic who counts. It is the one who shows up, who puts herself in the arena that truly counts. You can't change others - and you shouldn't. But what you can do is to live your truth courageous, wholeheartedly - and maybe - just maybe, you might inspire others to what to live their own lives wholeheartedly.

Live your truth. Just show up for your own life every day.

Gratitude | Toilet! And Running.

I finished a 5K run this morning and the first thing on my mind was, "NEED TOILET!" Thankfully the event venue had several facilities and I could get business sone easily. I know it's crazy to be thankful for toilets, but hell - I am thankful for my legs and knees that brought me through the finish line safely and pain-free. But I will never take toilets for granted. Especially when it's urgent.

Since we are talking about my run, here's a picture of my Finisher Medal. Yes, it's pink. I have noticed. It's a run in celebration of the International Women's Day. I never understand why they think Pink is appropriate for ALL women.

I was expecting some muscle aches from this morning's run. There will probably be some discomfort around the knees for a while, but so far I can walk with no pain. My shins are a little sore when I press them, but it's otherwise ok. My legs are getting used to the distance I have been running.

I am thankful for the positivity that running brought into my life. It is probably one of the best decisions I made for myself. Running in the morning created some space in my life. Getting up at 4:30 am, I do yoga as warm-up. I eat breakfast more frequently these days. Most of all, after yoga and running, I am in the frame of mind for meditate. I am grateful for all of these.

Run. It might change your life.

Gratitude | Flu bug Allows Reading Time

I've been fighting a flu bug over the weekend. When I say "fighting", I mean it's the kind of flu bug that's half way there. You're not sick enough to call in sick at work, you can still function somewhat, but you are suffering and you know you are going to get worse down the road.

Anyway, I decided to stop fighting it and brought my ass to the doctor's office. I am not the only one sick though. I went to the doctor's office around 10am and only done around 3:30pm. I spent the time reading while I was waiting, which I realise is something I have not allowed myself to do for a while.

Everything can be a blessing. So let us just be grateful for some extra reading time. Reading material included below:

Gratitude | Cajun Kings with Good Friends

I'm not the sort to keep in touch with people. It just feels like I pass through life trying too hard to remain unattached. But some people stay with me. I had a dinner date with some old friends who used to be colleagues. We have all moved on in life, but we stayed in touch. Sometimes, people stay in your life to remind you that you can be loved, in spite of yourself. I had a good time tonight dining on Cajun style seafood, gumbo, frog legs, crabs and prawns. I am so full. I am thankful for time spent with people who accept me for who I am, even if they may not always agree with me.

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Gratitude | Hainanese Chicken Rice @ Tanglin Halt

This plate of chicken rice made me happy and thankful this morning. Why? Because it reminded me of the simple pleasures of home. I was working in Dubai a long time ago. I was so far from home and something as simple as this plate of chicken rice would be unavailable. Home to me is that blend of many flavours and many sights and sounds. Things have changed in Singapore the last few years. It's beginning to feel less like the place I grew up in. Then something familiar like being able to sit in a hawker centre with no air conditioning to enjoy a plate of chicken rice - it reminds me I am home. If it doesn't make sense to you, you probably are not Singaporeans. And this is why it is so important. It's a shared experience between me and my countrymen. This is what defines us.

I am thankful to be home. I am thankful for this plate of home.

RUNNING | Safari Zoo Run 2013

So I've been pretty quiet recently. Good news is - my left knee seems to have healed somewhat. I can run again, but I'm taking things slow. I also just completed my first 6K run of the year today. It's the Safari Zoo Run 2013, in memory of our grand dame, Ah Meng. (I blogged about her passing here)

I like animals, although I have to admit I haven't been to the zoo in a long time. But a Sunday spent running in the zoo? Awesome way to spend a Sunday, I say!

As expected, it was a lovely Sunday run, lots of families bringing their children along. I really admire the parents that sign their kids up for runs like these. I think it beats going to the malls on weekend, where you just shop and purchase things. We need to set better examples to children on the fun of running and just moving. And there's also the animals. I like the animals, especially the big cats.

[The tiger was pacing back and forth restlessly. I was in the middle of the run, but decided to stop to take a picture]

It was a relaxing run. No competition. We ran through the zoo, and every now and then when we saw the animals, people would stop to take pictures. I did too. :)

I have to confess though: I haven't been to the zoo since I was a student and we did field trips to the zoo. I was expecting all fresh air and nature for today's run. Instead, it was the smell of animals and manure. There were also manure on the grounds. Yeah, welcome to the real world. But all it well.

It started to rain towards the last leg of the run, but it didn't dampen our mood. I went back to the zoo after my run to check out the other animals. It was fun and very wet. Now my muscles are aching. I will take it easy tomorrow.

Meanwhile, check out my finisher medal for today's run:

POEM | Everything is Waiting for You

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

-- David Whyte
from Everything is Waiting for You 
     © 2003 Many Rivers Press

2013 | Sunday Exercise

It was raining heavily since 11 am today. I ended up missing yoga class, and went to the library instead. Yes, I am that geek. I picked up a few books on running, 2 Jillian Michaels workout DVDs and the book by Jarvis Jay Masters, Finding Freedom: Writings from Death Row. I heard about Jarvis from a lecture by Pema Chodron. She talked about his life, how he was from a broken home, was fostered out to multiple families when he was young, and ended up in prison when he was 19. He was later charged with the murder of a prison guard - a crime he did not actually commit. Th extraordinary part of the story, if extraordinary is the right word, is how he came to take refuge in the dharma, studying first with the Tibetan master Chagdud Tulku and then with Pema Chödrön. Jarvis's story fascinated me for a while, because it speaks so powerfully of the possibility choosing differently.

The knee is still in pain. I am getting annoyed, and worried about how long term this knee condition will be. It's a bad idea to fight with your own body, but I don't want to be an invalid just because of my knee. I did a 37 mins workout earlier today using one of the Jillian Michaels DVD. It helped me feel like I am still on track with my fitness plans, even though I did not make it to yoga class, or run. I just need to feel like I am doing something actively for myself.

2013 Reading List

Trying to get my reading more organised. I have been starting too many books without finishing them the past year.

1. January - Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers • Karyl McBride, PhD
2. February - Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation • Sharon Salzberg
   True Refuge • Tara Brach
3. March - A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last • Stephen Levine
4. April - The Great Work of Your Life: A Guide for the Journey to Your True Calling • Stephen Cope
5. May - Loving What Is • Byron Katie

2013 | 28 Day Meditation Challenge

It's back again - Sharon Salzberg's 28-Day Meditation Challenge. I'm taking it again. Anyone can do it. You just commit to 28 days straight of daily meditation, and then let's see how to move forward from there.

To be honest, I don't feel very prepared for this challenge. But then I ask myself: What do you need to prepare except to just sit?

Lately life has been feeling this way - of not being ready, of struggling to catch up. I'm good though. I am grateful for the direction I am heading.

Sharon Salzberg:

Brick Wall

The knee is still hurting, so I am still NOT running. This rest that has been imposed on me is making me really grumpy. Where I used to be grumpy about getting up at 4:30 am to run, now I wake up at 4:30 am, and I get grumpy when I find out my knee is still hurting and I can't run. My life is IRONY.

So instead of running right now, I'm walking and cycling, and doing the Terminal Knee Extension exercises. I will be going to see a Chinese sinseh about my knee later. I'm going to keep working with this knee until it gets better, then I will start running again. Why? Because I'm that awesome.

The brick walls are there for a reason. Right? The brick walls are not there to keep us out, the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough.
- Randy Pausch

2013 | One Year Later

I feel almost cliche saying this - but so much have changed in a year. This time last year, I finally broke free of a toxic, co-dependent relationship that would later spring more surprises. But it was the first step to having my life back again. What kind of relationship is it, when your partner is angry and resent you for trying to find some joy in your life?

It was painful, as most break-ups are - but the most painful part was what the other party did for revenge, and knowing you have no power over someone else's choices. You are only responsible for your own choices.

Why is it so hard for us to extricate ourselves from situations that are not healthy for us? It took me so long before I could say to myself, "Things need to change."

I thought I wanted some people in my life - but last year has been one where people fell out of my life. I lost one of my best friends; her choice to cut me out of her life again. I would love to be able to keep her in my life - yet after one year, I wasn't any worse for wear without her. Heartbreak, no matter how painful, will not kill you unless you choose to let it.

Sometimes we are just addicted to pain, and drama.

It is strange and also heartaching, to realise that you could still feel for someone who chose to close their hearts to you. This too is a choice - not to close your heart to people.

Attachment is the very opposite of love. Love says, 'I want you to be happy.' Attachment says, 'I want you to make me happy.'
- Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo

I remember this quote from Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo. It was one of those moments of awakening from last year, when I finally had enough clarity in my mind for understanding. I haven't loved truly. There was love there, but also mixed with the difficult and complicated feelings of insecurities and attachment.

Now, I can really say, "I want you to be happy."

I am in a good place right now. I am at peace, though I still have my struggles. I understand though, that struggles are part of life. Maybe that is where my peace comes from - finally accepting the struggles and being willing to work with them rather than fight them.

Why does this peace feels laced with sadness?

Missed Terry Fox Run

As of last night, I am still limping because of the pain in my left knee. As much as I hate it, I decided it was better if I skip the Terry Fox Run this morning. I'm not giving up on running, but it's obvious I need to strengthen up those knees before embarking on long runs.

Assignment for now will be research - Running Anatomy.

I am such a geek.

Knee Still Aching

It's Thursday and my left knee doesn't seem to be healing as fast I would like. I'm getting a little worried actually. I don't want to miss the Terry Fox Run. The student of dharma in me knows I need to let go of trying to control the situation. But I am human. I am afraid that if I don't show up this Sunday, it's as good as admitting defeat. I don't like to surrender. Damn.

A Bad Knee and a 5K Run this Sunday

Confession: It has been about 3 days since my last run. I seem to have pulled something in my left knee during yoga class on Sunday. Well, it feels like a pull because it feels tight around the side of the knee. I'm getting a little worried, not because the knee is hurting, but because I have my first 5K run this coming Sunday. My priorities are silly sometimes.

Here's the T-shirt for the Terry Fox Run this Sunday:

I thought myself to start small. I am still building up my stamina for running. But while I know I am not a fast runner yet, I will finish. Even if I have to walk to the end.

I signed up for the run not because I felt I was ready, but because I know if I keep waiting for myself to be ready, I'm never going BE ready. Sometimes, you just have to just dive right in and do it. You just have to show up and do it.

What is Really At Stake Lance Armstrong Goes Oprah

Former female world and Olympic cyclist Nicole Cooke retired from cycling because of the withdrawal of sponsorship due to the Lance Armstrong doping fiasco. I have been following the Lance Armstrong "confession" recently, and I admit I want to see what he has to say to Oprah of all people. It was obviously a calculated move. If what he wanted was a true confession, he could have done it any other way. When Lance Armstrong decide to go Oprah, hell, he meant it to be a show.

But this is not a post about Lance Armstrong. It is about Nicole Cooke, and everyone who was brought down by Lance Armstrong and his doping. I don't mean the people who also cheated and condoned - or even supported the doping. I need the people like Nicole Cooke who love cycling, who cycled clean, but had their careers ended because of the cheats in the sport. Nicole Cooke's retirement speech needs to be read in its entirety here. Do not support the people who cheated. Do not buy their books. Do not feed their fat pockets. Do not allow them to exploit their celebrity status for a tap on the wrist when what they have destroyed other innocent people's career. I do believe in forgiveness. But should someone who has destroyed the dreams of so many others be allowed to return to competition when he chose to cheat?

I have been robbed by drug cheats, but I am fortunate, I am here before you with more in my basket than the 12 year old dreamed of. But for many genuine people out there who do ride clean; people with morals, many of these people have had to leave the sport with nothing after a lifetime of hard work — some going through horrific financial turmoil. When Lance "cries" on Oprah later this week and she passes him a tissue, spare a thought for all of those genuine people who walked away with no reward – just shattered dreams. Each one of them is worth a thousand Lances.
- Nicole Cooke

Bought a pair of Brooks Pure Cadence Running Shoes

I have a confession: I bought a new pair of shoes today.

As my friends would ask, "Didn't you just bought a pair? The ones for your flat-feet?"

Yes, I did. But I didn't like how those pair look, and they were cushioned, and I love the way minimalist shoes feel. So I did some research online and decided on a pair of Brooks PureCadence for women.

Call it stubbornness, call it whatever. Yes, I was motivated to start running after reading Born to Run, so yes, I am a fan of minimalist running. (But isn't the simplicity of running part of its appeal?)

Maybe I just enjoy shopping (actually, I don't). But I do know how I feel about minimalist shoes. It feels comfortable. My feet enjoy that closer contact with the ground. The pair of Brooks Pure Cadence shoes have that minimalist feel but it also caters for the flat-footed, like myself. I know what the guy at the Running Lab told me that I need. But I also know we need to listen to how we feel.

Fact: I am flat-footed. A yoga teacher made me walk around for a bit one day in class, and he pointed out to me that I shuffle my feet when I walk. This means I don't get to exercise the muscles at the bottom of my feet, which is why I am flat-footed. I get the reason why I need motion control shoes - because of the risk of over-pronation due to my flat-foot. But - I also know keeping my feet all locked in by cushioning isn't going to help me work those sole muscles. The final decision is between me and my feet. I would like something with a low-drop.

I ran with my new shoes this evening, and it felt good. I have been trying to apply the ChiRunning technique to my own running form lately, but I am going to confess again (tonight is full of confessions) that I don't get a lot of it. So again, I am paying attention to how I feel when I run. Do my legs hurt when my feet land a certain way? What happens when I change my gait? This is one of those times when my yoga practice kicks in, and I just started paying attention to how my body ought to feel, about the alignment of my hips, my back, even how open my heart feels when I run. It's almost like doing yoga, just running. And it works, and it felt great - because running should feel natural. I will be sticking with these pair of shoes, and alternating them with my other shoes every week.

I leave with this quote from Born to Run:

“Vigil couldn't quite put his finger on it, but his gut kept telling him that there was some kind of connection between the capacity to love and the capacity to love running. The engineering was certainly the same: both depended on loosening your grip on your own desires, putting aside what you wanted and appreciating what you got, being patient and forgiving and undemanding.” ― Christopher McDougall, Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen

WoYoPracMo | Reading to Practice

I'm a reader. I find that it helps to read a little to remind myself why I practice, and why the practice matters. Right now I am going back to re-read Rolf Gates's "Meditations from the Mat" - although I am doing it slowly this time - taking in each passage day by day.

My practice several years ago has been about getting stronger, getting more flexible, more advance poses. I was practicing 5-6 times a week, and I did find myself getting more toned, more flexible, even managing headstands unsupported a few times for several counts. Things changed. Now my practice is more deliberate. I am no longer as strong, and I am okay with that.

What is Yoga for me?

So January 2013, WoYoPracMo: World Yoga Practice Month is back, but on Facebook. It's been a long journey back to yoga. My attitude to the practice has definitely shifted since about 4 years ago when I was practicing at least 5 to 6 times a week. I enjoyed the sense of structure and discipline. Most of all, I loved watching myself growing stronger and more flexible. It's fun to check out how toned your muscles have grown because of yoga. Yet, when I look back, it felt like a goal-oriented approach to the practice.

But I would not change it for anything else. I believe my practice then was what I needed. I believe if we allow it, our practice evolves as we evolve. But then again, I do not know what yoga is. Or at least, I have heard and read too many people defining what yoga is.

To all of that, all I can say is, this just like asking, "What is God?" You will get a million different answers, all of it true - because ultimately we see God through our own eyes. Look at how you see your God, and ask yourself what is it that you are seeking. That is the work you need to do.

Life came at me a few years back. I struggled with mental illness in the family, unemployment that lasted more than a year, loss, and heartbreak. I fell out of practice. I couldn't read anything because my attention span was so scattered I could not concentrate. I couldn't write, because I couldn't gather my thoughts enough to write. This blog has been neglected for so long. Yet I am back now. I am here once more. Writing, writing, writing.

I came back. I am back. I am thankful for everything that has come to pass to bring me to the edge, then tip me over. I am grateful for loss, and heartbreak, and challenges. I am grateful for yoga and the dharma - the two anchors in my life that have always work to bring me back when I was lost.

What is God? What is yoga?

Yoga, for me, is that practice that transforms you from within. You do the work, and then you step aside and allow it to do what it needs to do. It is dance, it is meditation, it is painting, it is sports, it is play. It is Everything. If it does not transform you, it is not yoga. It is subtle. If you allow it, it does what it needs to do, not what you want it to do.

I feel the result of not practicing the last few years. I have gained some weight. I am not as strong anymore. (I struggle with chaturanga these days) I am also not as flexible anymore. I am no longer able to go into some of the binds that I used to. Yet, I feel the practice more these days.

These changes in my own body has taught me humility, and a respect for the work I must do. My practice is no longer as goal-oriented anymore. While I would still like to be strong and flexible as I used to, the thought does not obsess me. I accept my body as it is now. I just ask that I do my best. I will take child's pose if I need to. I love my body. I love my life. And these days, when I do front bends, I take it as a bow. I am not sure who or what I am bowing to. Maybe it's a bow to myself, to the practice, to the one I still love in spite of all the heartaches.

I am doing the work now. I am allowing it to transform me.

New Running Shoes for the Flat-Footed

I went to the local Running Lab for an analysis of my running and walking gait. I always knew I was flat-footed, which they confirmed. (D'uh). What I didn't really realize was that I walk with heel strikes but when I run, I do land with the front of my feet - which is actually ok.

The guy at the Running Lab recommended a pair of motion control shoes for my flat-foot. I went into the Running Lab wearing my Nike Free 3+, and I loved the mobility and comfort of the Nike Free series. The idea of having to switch to something more restrictive, with more "control" - just didn't sit well with me. As the guy at Running Lab remarked, "Change is difficult." Well, yeah. It's hard to give up comfort, especially when it's about your footwear.

But I tried a pair of ASICS GEL Foundation 11, and they fitted okay. These are recommended for wide-footed heavy over-pronators. I still don't believe I pronate, but hell, I'll try it out for a bit, see how it fee.

CHALLENGE | #yogaeverydamnday

Once more, a challenge to do yoga every day for the month of January. A new year is a good time to invite new positive energy. Sign up on the Challenge Loop, or look out on Twitter: #yogaeverydamnday

POEM | Orfeo by Louise Glück

"J'ai perdu mon Eurydice ..."

I have lost my Eurydice,
I have lost my lover,
and suddenly I am speaking French
and it seems to me I have never been in better voice;
it seems these songs
are songs of a high order.

And it seems one is somehow expected to apologize
for being an artist,
as though it were not entirely human to notice these fine points.
And who knows, perhaps the gods never spoke to me in Dis,
never singled me out,
perhaps it was all illusion.

O Eurydice, you who married me for my singing,
why do you turn on me, wanting human comfort?
Who knows what you'll tell the Furies
when you see them again.

Tell them I have lost my beloved;
I am completely alone now.
Tell them there is no music like this
without real grief.

In Dis, I sang to them; they will remember me.

What Would be the Alternative?

The ego always seek to protect, to harden, to defend. Why put yourself in the position to be hurt by rejection? Why?

What would be the alternative? To stay in that place of alienation? To not make effort to mend hurt, to smooth out misunderstanding. You should try, though you do not control the result. This is better than the alternative - to let friendship stay broken because of pride.

Never let someone out of your heart.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my friends, the ones that stayed with me, especially the ones that stayed through my darkest hours, and for the ones no longer here - for the time we shared.

I am thankful that I am here in Cambodia, fulfilling a long time dream of mine.

I am thankful for the quiet time to reflect the past few days.

I am thankful for a heart that remains open in spite of pain. I am thankful for love.

I am have been so blessed my whole life. It took me so long to learn that.

Namaste all.

Blogging from Cambodia

One of my dream was to travel to Cambodia, to see the temples of Angkor. Somehow I never got around to it, until now. I am tired of just dreaming. What is holding me back? Fear? Procrastination? Nothing is holding me back except myself.

Image of Bayon, taken by me on 19 November 2012. The sky was *that* blue.

My Little Yellow Bicycle

As part of my effort to work out more and to reduce my carbon footprint, I have purchased a bike and will start cycling to work. The fact that my chosen bike is cute and a bright egg yolk yellow, and my helmet is cute and a fun grey and yellow helps.

Now, to install the bell and the safety lights.

I am making positive changes in my life bit by bit.

Records for 2012

Books Read 2012

1. Man's Search for Meaning • Viktor Frankl
2. The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them • David Richo
3. Slaughterhouse-Five • Kurt Vonnegut
4. Up at the Villa • W. Somerset Maugham
5. Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? • Jeanette Winterson
6. Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change • Pema Chodron
7. Finding Ultra: Rejecting Middle Age, Becoming One of the World's Fittest Men, and Discovering Myself • Rich Roll
8. Chicken Soup for the Soul: Runners 101 Inspirational Stories of Energy, Endurance, and Endorphins • Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Amy Newmark & Dean Karnazes
9. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead • Brene Brown
10. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate • Gary Chapman
11. Eat & Run: My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness • Scott Jurek with Steve Friedman
12. Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living • Allan Lokos
13. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail • Cheryl Strayed
14. Are You My Mother? A Comic Drama • Alison Bechdel
15. Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears • Pema Chodron
16. Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow • Elizabeth Lesser
17. Fierce Medicine: Breakthrough Practices to Heal the Body and Ignite the Spirit • Ana T. Forrest
18. The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do and How to Change • Charles Duhigg

Surrender

But what does that word "surrender" mean? As I let myself float that morning, my body fully supported by the warm ebb and flow of the sea, the words of writer Daphne Rose Kingma came to mind: "Surrender is a beautiful movement in which you gracefully, willingly, languidly fall, only to find midway that you have been gathered into some unimaginable embrace. Surrender is letting go, whether or not you believe the embrace will occur. It's trust to the hundredth power--not sticking to your idea of the outcome, but letting go in the faith that even the absence of an outcome will be the perfect solution."

- Finding Ultra, Rich Roll

13 Books to Read 2013 - draft

Time to plan next year's reading list. Reading is about progress, not perfection.

1. Come, Thief: Poems • Jane Hirshfield
2. Paths to God: Living the Bhagavad Gita • Ram Dass
3. Everyday Zen: Love and Work • Charlotte Joko Beck
4. Nothing Special: Living Zen • Charlotte Joko Beck
5. Beyond Happiness: The Zen Way to True Contentment • Ezra Bayda
6. A Path with Heart: A Guide Through the Perils and Promises of Spiritual Life • Jack Kornfield
7. Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery • Chogyam Trungpa
8. Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism • Chogyam Trungpa
9. A Year to Live • Stephen Levine

We Are Powerful Beyond Measure

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marianne Williamson

Change

Someone I cared about told me something about myself a few months ago. She told me, if only I was the person I write about, and she told me I had a lot of potential. Potential, but somehow not yet met.

 It was one of those things that dropped like a stone in your stomach. Deep down inside I have always felt like I wasn't fulfilling my full potential. I talk a lot, I complain a lot - but it always seem hard to put things into action. So much fear within me. So afraid of failing, that I don't even try, or make excuses. 

And it had to come from her. They say some people come into your life for a reason. I would hate it if she came into my life just to say this to me.

Another friend reminded me yesterday that we are close to the end of the year. It is time for introspection. My mind has been foggy these last few years. I need some quiet space to think. I have been putting some things in place the last few months, trying to change things for myself. My life feels like a major detoxification exercise, and I am going through major withdrawal symptoms.

I surrender. Help me through this.

Becoming Real

“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit or How Toys Become Real

Remembering wanderlust

Last weekend I was in Kuala Lumpur for a short break. I met up with old friends, was brought around for meals and sight seeing. It was fun. It reminded me how good it feels to be surrounded by good hearted people who are funny. It has been a while since I felt so relaxed among people.

The weekend break also reminded me of how much I miss travelling. I miss the discomfort of having to wait in line at the airport. I miss waking up to a foreign airport, where I don't know what to expect when I go down an escalator. I miss the strangeness of a train route which might be in a language I do not understand. I miss that sense of disorientation, of feeling lost - it wakes me up and makes me feel just that little bit more alive.

I have allowed work and other things to distract me from doing what I love. Reading, travel and quiet time - these things recharge me. Yoga brings me to that quiet space. I deal with stress better.

I have neglected myself.

I told myself that my word for 2012 will be 'alignment'. One of the ways I want to align myself better is the alignment in words and action. I talk a lot about the things I want to do, I often allow other things to distract me from following up with things. Let's start doing things differently.

I will be going to India and Nepal in November. It will be a pilgrimage of a sort, going to the sacred locations in the Buddha's life.

Let's just do it.

Wholeheartedness

Wholeheartedness is a precious gift, but no one can actually give it to you. You have to find the path that has heart and then walk it impeccably....It's like someone laughing in your ear, challenging you to figure out what to do when you don't know what to do. It humbles you. It opens your heart. 

~Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. Friends are enemies sometimes, and enemies friends.
I was a tiny bug. Now a mountain. I was left behind. Now honored at the head. You healed my wounded hunger and anger, and made me a poet who sings about joy.
If your guidance is your ego, don’t rely on luck for help. you sleep during the day and the nights are short. By the time you wake up your life may be over.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absent-minded. Someone sober will worry about events going badly. Let the lover be.
Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.
Most people guard against going into the fire, and so end up in it.
My friend, the sufi is the friend of the present moment. To say tomorrow is not our way.
Nightingales are put in cages because their songs give pleasure. Whoever heard of keeping a crow?
No longer a stranger, you listen all day to these crazy love-words. Like a bee you fill hundreds of homes with honey, though yours is a long flight from here.
No mirror ever became iron again; No bread ever became wheat; No ripened grape ever became sour fruit. Mature yourself and be secure from a change for the worse. Become the light.
Only from the heart Can you touch the sky.
Patience is the key to joy.
People of the world don’t look at themselves, and so they blame one another.
Since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening.
That which is false troubles the heart, but truth brings joyous tranquility.
The intelligent want self-control; children want candy.
The middle path is the way to wisdom.
The only lasting beauty is the beauty of the heart.
Thirst drove me down to the water where I drank the moon’s reflection.
To praise is to praise how one surrenders to the emptiness.
We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.
We rarely hear the inward music, but we’re all dancing to it nevertheless.
You think the shadow is the substance.
- Jalal-Uddin Rumi (1207-1273) — Turkish Sufi Mystic Poet

Not Till We Are Lost ...

"Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations." ― Henry David Thoreau

I'm putting this here to remind myself to appreciate the journey. I have a tendency to be goal-oriented. Being lost sometimes means a fresh point of view and nothing feels familiar - and that is a great opportunity for learning.

I forget sometimes. A friend of mind reminded me recently, we are not works of perfection, but works in progress - and that felt like so much wisdom.

All Beings Just Wants to Be Happy

I'm in a kind of mood today. It's a quietude - a little harassed because of work, but still, I sense a stillness within me about some things that used to pain me. I was reading this article on elephantjournal earlier ... and I felt it. It's about pain - it's about acceptance. Everyone who hurts you really just wants to be happy. All the pain they caused, is just a misguided way of trying to be happy. There comes a time, when the pain simmers to a sweetness. You learn maturity - although you may still slip and act up in the future. You learn acceptance, and you see - that the other person is just trying to be happy. And it's ... so human. Forgiveness no longer is an issue then, because you understand. You understand that this is what you do. This is what we do.

Why Twinkies cost more than Carrots?

I have been coming back to cooking my own meals lately. Some of you who read this blog from my early days might remember that I used to be a vegetarian for about six years. I have been eating meat the last three years, and to be honest, I haven't been as healthy as I used to.

It's all water under the bridge, as they say. I can choose to eat healthier any time I want. I just have to make it a priority. Since I returned to my yoga practice, that urge to eat healthier, to add more vegetables to my diet has returned. I just need to find the motivation though. It takes a lot of energy to get up earlier in the morning every day to prepare lunch. Eating out with friends becomes more complicated when I was vegetarian.

But that's digression. What is happening is my thoughts are on food lately. How to cook, what to cook - and what's in our food? I am embarrassed to say I have not read Michael Pollan - I have read about him. But I really respect him for speaking so honestly about food politics as it is. In the video below, he asks a simple question: Why does a package of twinkie cost more than a bunch of carrots? It's all because of government food subsidies. It all goes down to food policies.

Learning Morals through Stories

Coles believes one of the most powerful ways we learn morals is through stories. Literature and poetry bring us deeper knowledge of ourselves, life, and the world. “The whole point of stories is not ‘solutions’ or ‘resolutions,’” he writes in The Call of Stories: Teaching and the Moral Imagination, “but the broadening and even a heightening of our struggles.”

- from Robert Coles and the Moral Life

From Wild: Fear

It was a deal I'd made with myself months before and the only thing that allowed me to hike alone. I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I ws brave. Nothing could vanquish me. Insisting on this story was a form of mind control, but for the most part, it worked. Every time I heard a sound of unknown origin or felt something horrible cohering in my imagination, I pushed it away. I simply did not let myself becomes afraid. Fear begets fear. Power begets power. I willed myself to beget power. And it wasn't long before I actually wasn't afraid.

- Wild, by Cheryl Strayed

Wait: The Useful Art of Procrastination by Frank Partnoy

Reading this month.

Write up from Brain Pickings here.

Love is Love

This photo of a man holding his dog in the water made its rounds on the internet. I didn't know the full story at first, so it didn't quite stay with me until now. Huffington Post has the story on this.

The dog in the photo, Schoep, has arthritis, a condition that causes him a lot of pain and he has trouble sleeping at night. John Unger, the man in the picture, adopted Schoep when he was just a 2 month old puppy. John realises the buoyancy of the water helps take the pressure off Schoep's arthritic body. This alleviates the dog's pain and helps him sleep. So he brings Schoep out to Lake Superior every day and holds Schoep in the water. There is so much tenderness in this. So much love.

How many people in this world would do this for their dog? How many would do this for another human being?

Love is love. Sometimes I need stories like this to remind me of our human capacity to love another being.

Note from the Photographer:

This 19 year old Shep being cradled in his father’s arms last night in Lake Superior. Shep falls asleep every night when he is carried into the lake. The buoyancy of the water soothes his arthritic bones. Lake Superior is very warm right now, so the temp of the water is perfect.

I was so happy I got to capture this moment for John. By the way, John rescued Shep as an 8 month old puppy, and he’s been by his side through many adventures.

To purchase a print – go here: http://lakesuperiorcards.com/p96728378

If you would like to make a donation to Schoep’s care – you can contact Bay Area Animal Hospital at 715-682-8865 with a credit card number or mail a check to 3601 E Hwy 2 Ashland, WI 54806. All donations are going right into Schoep’s account at the clinic. Thanks!!

Just Do Things Differently

"We act out because, ironically, we think it will bring us some relief. We equate it with happiness. Often there is some relief, for the moment. When you have an addiction and you fulfill that addiction, there is a moment in which you feel some relief. Then the nightmare gets worse. So it is with aggression. When you get to tell someone off, you might feel pretty good for a while, but somehow the sense of righteous indignation and hatred grows, and it hurts you. It's as if you pick up hot coals with your bare hands and throw them at your enemy. If the coals happen to hit him he will be hurt. But in the meantime, you are guaranteed to be burned."

- Start Where You Are, Pema Chodron

I am just thinking about how often I act out. Like a child, I act out because of perceived hurt, and I end up damaging the relationships that meant a lot to me. Lately I have been doing better. But you don't always get to go back to undo your mistakes. You just move on and try to do better.

But from time to time, you do look back, and wish things were better, wish you could be allowed a chance to make amends.

Do something different. Continue walking forward, one step at a time. Ignore the distrustful looks, let go of those that remind you of how you screwed up in the past. You cannot undo the past. You can't allow the past to define you. And give up hope of trying to change things. Give up hope that people will see how you have changed and come back in your life.

Just do things differently.

I promise you, it will be worth it.

I need this

I find myself slowly falling part today. I am struggling to remember Ani Pema Chodron's teachings, and they came to me, the lojong teachings that I need right now.

Whichever of the two occurs, be patient.
Whatever happens in your life, joyful or painful, do not be swept away by reactivity. Be patient with yourself and don’t lose your sense of perspective.
Train in the three difficulties.
The three difficulties (or, the three difficult practices) are 1) to recognize your neurosis as neurosis, 2) then not to do the habitual thing, but to do something different to interrupt the neurotic habit, and 3) to make this practice a way of life.

How to Keep Good People Close

I was surfing the net last night and came across this blog post by a yoga teacher, on how to keep good people close. This is a subject I have been pondering lately. 2012 has been a transformative year, especially in the areas of my relationship. The post list out a series of practices - because relationships are as much a practice as spirituality:

1. Use honorifics: Mentally, vocally, written out. I say dear, teacher, darling, etc not for another's benefit but for ME, to sweeten the pot, "to see heaven on earth." Sharon said.
2. Think/Reflect on the good they have done for others. Dig deep if necessary. Have this in my mind. We cultivate our own perceptions, and choose to perceive the highest around us.
3. Think/Reflect on the good they have done for ME.
4. Say "Thank You." Say it mentally, verbally, etc. Acknowledge that someone gave me something. This is all for my own benefit.
5. Give offerings. Tuition. Gifts. A kind word behind their back. We call this enlightened self-interest. Patanjali's Yoga Sutras say 'When you give, you will never be impoverished."
6. Take care of things for them anonymously. When we pay attention to others, we'll find many opportunities to make their life a little easier.
7. Ask your teachers to teach you. Continue to cultivate good seeds with the people who benefit you so they remain in your life. Extend yourself. Don't assume they'll be around forever.
8. Ask the people you care about to please stay in your life.  Never think another being like them will come along. 

I may not be able to keep those that have left, but let me practice honouring those that are still in my life, and those that will come.

A Reminder To Being

Pain is a great teacher. It sharpens us, so that we truly pay attention to the lessons that need to be learned.

I have always been a do-er, a controller. Someone who has to "fix" things, or have things happen the way I dictate them. In certain context, this has worked for me. In some, it has not.

I am reminded of this song by the Beatles recently, "Let It Be".

The simple task of just "Being" is so painful to me, because I lack trust. I struggle against the flow of life as it comes, because I have difficulty with radical acceptance, with trusting that what I need to know will be unveiled to me when the time is right. My only duty is to show up and do the work - everything else is not my business. Results, the fruit of my labour, is not mine.

I accept the flow of life. I sit with the emotions, and let them be. I am not lost. I am exactly where I am right now, seeing everything with new eyes.

Let It Be.

Gore Vidal and the Greek Book

Gore Vidal's reading list for America. Makes me interested Thucydides’s History of the Peloponnesian War again - a book I keep trying to finish.

Steve McCurry's portraits of reading

Steve McCurry posted a series of photographs of people reading. I love it, and I would totally recommend that you take a look for yourself here. My favourite is the one of Aung San Suu Kyi reading.

Quote

“Life is short,
Break the rules.
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly.
Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret anything
That makes you smile.”

~ Mark Twain

Happy Birthday to Pema Chodron

14 July is Ani Pema Chodron's birthday. I am grateful to her for her teachings of the dharma. Her teachings carried me through an unpleasant period of my life. It has taught me some things about my delusions about my practice (or my neglect of my practice).

May all beings be happy.

I leave everyone with this little anecdote from Pema Chodron. It's about karma, and every time I struggle through the little difficulties in life, I find this story helpful:

I remember my first interview with my teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche very well because I was hesitant to talk to him about what was really the problem in my life. Instead, I wasted the whole interview chattering. Every once in a while he said, "How's your meditation?" and I said, "Oh, fine," and then just chattered on. When it was almost over I blurted out, in the last half-second, "I'm having this terrible time and I'm full of anger."

Rinpoche walked me to toward the door and said, "Well, what that feels like is a big wave that comes along and knocks you down. You find yourself lying in the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and your ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. The next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you'll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller."

That's how karma works. If you keep lying there, you'll drown, but you don't even have the privilege of dying. You just live with the sense of drowning all the time. So don't get discouraged and think, "Well, I was feeling depressed and I was hiding under the covers, but then I got out of bed, I took a shower. How come I'm not living in a Disney movie now? I thought I was going to turn into Snow White. How come I'm not living happily ever after?" The waves keep coming and knocking you down, but you stand up again and with some sense of rousing yourself. As Rinpoche said, "After a while, you find that the waves seem to be getting smaller." That's really what happens.

~ From "Wisdom of No Escape", Pema Chodron

Witness Love

My mom has corns on her feet. A few nights ago, I saw my dad prepare a basin of warm water for my mom to soak her feet. IThe warm water softens up the corns, which makes it easier for my dad when he helps cut away the corns on my mom's feet.

It's not the most pleasant thing to talk about, but it's a very raw, human thing to do. We cut out nails, we scratch ourselves, we cut our corns. In its simplicity, it's a very honest moment of being in touch with our humanity.

Why do I share this? Because it’s one of those times when I see what marriage means. What love means. Not the text messages sent over FB or flowers or diamonds. It’s someone you love staying by your side when you are losing your mind. It’s getting down to help you with the icky stuff in life, like helping you with your corns.

I think about how one day my dad might have to help my mom with diapers and other stuff, and it makes me cry – what it means to grow old, and have someone who will stay by your side through it all. I want that.

And yeah, I love my dad.

Someone That I Used to Know

At some points in my life, I kept replaying some songs over a long period, weeks, sometimes months. Then one day, I stop. The interest waned. Or perhaps the soundtrack to my state of mind has changed tracks, and I needed something else instead.

I was in a relationship last year. It started off happy, then grew strange, angry and toxic. I wish I could say I was blameless. I am certain my story isn't going to match hers. Who is to say who has the truer version? Truth is your side, my side, and something in the middle.

Right now, this seems like the soundtrack of the month (s). Gotye got it right with the two sided story of a relationship. Two people that came together, were happy, then it was over, with some bitterness, some cruelty - and blame. Blame is the human instinct to relieve discomfort.

I think about the part sang by Kimbra sometimes:

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know…

It is my version as much as it is her. We believe the other party screwed us over. Who is right? I don't know. I will insist I am right, but I know my point of view is biased.

I hope you are at peace and in a good place.

Meh

I have just finished reading Alison Bechdel's Are You My Mother?. Now - I really enjoyed her last book, Fun Home, which is a memoir of a sort about her dad, a closeted homosexual who possibly killed himself. Are you My Mother? now deals with her relationship with her mother - and it's bloated, and someone uneven. I didn't really enjoy it, although there were some funny moments. Not really going to think too much about it.

The 100 Most Celebrated Travel Books

This blog started a lot time ago as my blog about reading. Then I started doing yoga, learning more about the dharma, and the blog became a kind of spiritual exploration through blogging. It's been a long journey since those fine days. I lost myself for a while. Had my heart broken twice. Now I'm starting to come back to myself again. Some things feel familiar. Some things feel different. I need to let go how it is supposed to feel, and just be.

But I do like coming back to the little things that I loved - I guess I still love them. I haven't really had a chance to travel recently - or read. Then I came across this list of The 100 Most Celebrated Travel Books. I might have read it some time back (who knows?) But right here, right now, it made me want to start drawing up a reading list, and working through the list again. I used to do that every year with my 100 Books to Read Lists.

What the hell? Let's just start.

1) A Dragon Apparent, by Norman Lewis
2) A House in Bali, by Colin McPhee
3) A Moveable Feast, by Ernest Hemingway
4) A Short Walk in the Hindu Kush, by Eric Newby
5) A Time of Gifts, by Patrick Leigh Fermor
6) A Turn in the South, by V.S. Naipaul
7) A Walk in the Woods, by Bill Bryson
8) A Winter in Arabia, by Freya Stark
9) Among the Russians, by Colin Thubron
10) An Area of Darkness, by V.S. Naipaul
11) Arabian Sands, by Wilfred Thesiger
12) Arctic Dreams, by Barry Lopez
13) The Art of Travel, by Alain de Botton
14) As I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning, by Laurie Lee
15) Baghdad Without a Map, by Tony Horwitz
16) Balkan Ghosts, by Robert D. Kaplan
17) Beyond Euphrates, by Freya Stark
18) The Bird Man and the Lap Dancer, by Eric Hansen
19) Bitter Lemons of Cyprus, by Lawrence Durrell
20) Black Lamb and Grey Falcon, by Rebecca West
21) Black Like Me, by John Howard Griffin
22) Blue Highways, by William Least Heat-Moon
23) Brazilian Adventure, by Peter Fleming
24) Chasing the Sea, by Tom Bissell
25) City of Djinns, by William Dalrymple
26) Coasting, by Jonathan Raban
27) Coming Into the Country, by John McPhee
28) Dark Star Safari, by Paul Theroux
29) Desert Solitaire, by Edward Abbey
30) Down the Nile, by Rosemary Mahoney
31) Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert
32) The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, by Tom Wolfe
33) Endurance: Shackleton’s Incredible Voyage, by Alfred Lansing
34) Facing the Congo, by Jeffrey Tayler
35) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, by Hunter S. Thompson
36) Four Corners, by Kira Salak
37) Full Circle, by Michael Palin
38) Full Tilt: Ireland to India With a Bicycle, by Dervla Murphy
39) Golden Earth, by Norman Lewis
40) Great Plains, by Ian Frazier
41) The Great Railway Bazaar, by Paul Theroux
42) Holidays in Hell, by P.J. O’Rourke
43) Homage to Catalonia, by George Orwell
44) Hunting Mister Heartbreak, by Jonathan Raban
45) In a Sunburned Country, by Bill Bryson
46) In Patagonia, by Bruce Chatwin
47) In Siberia, by Colin Thubron
48) In Trouble Again, by Redmond O’Hanlon
49) The Innocents Abroad, by Mark Twain
50) Into the Wild, by Jon Krakauer
51) Into Thin Air, by Jon Krakauer
52) Iron and Silk, by Mark Salzman
53) Kon-Tiki, by Thor Heyerdahl
54) The Lady and the Monk, by Pico Iyer
55) Life on the Mississippi, by Mark Twain
56) The Log From the Sea of Cortez, by John Steinbeck
57) The Long Walk, by Slavomir Rawicz
58) The Lost Continent, by Bill Bryson
59) Maximum City: Bombay Lost and Found, by Suketu Mehta
60) The Motorcycle Diaries, by Ernesto “Che” Guevara
61) The Muses Are Heard, by Truman Capote
62) No Mercy, by Redmond O’Hanlon
63) Notes From a Small Island, by Bill Bryson
64) Nothing to Declare, by Mary Morris
65) Old Glory, by Jonathan Raban
66) The Old Patagonian Express, by Paul Theroux
67) Out of Africa, by Isak Dinesen
68) Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, by Annie Dillard
69) The Pillars of Hercules, by Paul Theroux
70) The Places in Between, by Rory Stewart
71) Riding to the Tigris, by Freya Stark
72) The Rings of Saturn, by W.G. Sebald
73) The River at the Center of the World, by Simon Winchester
74) River Town, by Peter Hessler
75) Road Fever, by Tim Cahill
76) The Road to Oxiana, by Robert Byron
77) Roughing It, by Mark Twain
78) Sea and Sardinia, by D.H. Lawrence
79) Seven Years in Tibet, by Heinrich Harrer
80) The Sex Lives of Cannibals, by J. Maarten Troost
81) The Size of the World, by Jeff Greenwald
82) Slowly Down the Ganges, by Eric Newby
83) The Snow Leopard, by Peter Matthiessen
84) The Soccer War, by Ryszard Kapuscinski
85) The Songlines, by Bruce Chatwin
86) Terra Incognita, by Sara Wheeler
87) Their Heads are Green and Their Hands are Blue, by Paul Bowles
88) Three Cups of Tea, by Greg Mortenson
89) Travels With Charley, by John Steinbeck
90) Travels With Myself and Another, by Martha Gellhorn
91) Trieste and the Meaning of Nowhere, by Jan Morris
92) Two Towns in Provence, by M.F.K. Fisher
93) Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes
94) Video Night in Kathmandu, by Pico Iyer
95) West With the Night, by Beryl Markham
96) When the Going was Good, by Evelyn Waugh
97) The World of Venice, by Jan Morris
98) The Worst Journey in the World, by Apsley Cherry-Garrard
99) Wrong About Japan, by Peter Carey
100) Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert M. Pirsig

Aung San Suu Kyi Nobel Peace Prize Speech

Transcript of her speech here.

"A positive aspect of living in isolation was that I had ample time in which to ruminate over the meaning of words and precepts that I had known and accepted all my life. As a Buddhist, I had heard about dukha, generally translated as suffering, since I was a small child. Almost on a daily basis elderly, and sometimes not so elderly, people around me would murmur “dukha, dukha” when they suffered from aches and pains or when they met with some small, annoying mishaps. However, it was only during my years of house arrest that I got around to investigating the nature of the six great dukha. These are: to be conceived, to age, to sicken, to die, to be parted from those one loves, to be forced to live in propinquity with those one does not love. I examined each of the six great sufferings, not in a religious context but in the context of our ordinary, everyday lives. If suffering were an unavoidable part of our existence, we should try to alleviate it as far as possible in practical, earthly ways. I mulled over the effectiveness of ante- and post-natal programmes and mother and childcare; of adequate facilities for the aging population; of comprehensive health services; of compassionate nursing and hospices. I was particularly intrigued by the last two kinds of suffering: to be parted from those one loves and to be forced to live in propinquity with those one does not love. What experiences might our Lord Buddha have undergone in his own life that he had included these two states among the great sufferings? I thought of prisoners and refugees, of migrant workers and victims of human trafficking, of that great mass of the uprooted of the earth who have been torn away from their homes, parted from families and friends, forced to live out their lives among strangers who are not always welcoming."

Thankful

I have been asking around for possible rental places recently. Friends have offered to help me find a new place to stay. I thought a bit more about this, and I realize how much more significant this decision to find a new place meant for me.

Relationship between my dad and I have deteriorated lately. My mom’s early on-set dementia has challenged all of us – but most of all, my dad. I still remember how I was depressed two years ago, because of my mom, and compounded by unemployment. I would wake up in the morning and just couldn’t bring myself out of bed. I am a lot better these days, and I refuse to go back to that dark place.

I have been putting some things in place over the last few months to change things positively in my life. What I have learnt about real change over the years is this: Real change is subtle and we may not always sense that we are changing within until one day, we notice how we are responding differently to certain things.

I am thankful for the positive changes in my life. I recognize that when I started looking for a rental place, it isn’t about escaping the situation in my life. What it really is, is that I have begun to see possibilities in my life. I have stopped seeing myself as powerless against difficult situations. What I am doing is creating space for myself away from the negativity. It is the ultimate compassion I can extend to myself.

I am thankful for this recognition.

I am thankful for this teaching from Pema Chodron, and find something that reaffirms my intention. Just keep moving. Just keep taking care of yourself in a real way. I can see how I am now less concerned about my career, and just working to try my best to learn, to do a good job. I am less concern about what others will think of me. My job is just to do my best, and to love honestly. Whether or not they love me back, while it may hurt sometimes, isn’t important.

Chocolate Making Class

I had the opportunity to try my hand at making chocolate today. It was something new, and I am glad I did it.

We worked in teams, and one of my team mates laughed because every time one of the chocolate pieces get mangled or we crush the shell, I just go "Oh well", then I pop it straight into my mouth.

It's a lovely thing, where it's ok to make mistakes. You can just eat it. That's what I love about cooking - it's ok to make mistakes. No one will die. It's not brain surgery. You can just eat your mistakes (most of the time). Every mistake is an opportunity to learn. Yes, this applies everywhere, but let us try to avoid mistakes for brain surgeries, okay?

Our instructor was the lovely Chef Judy, who showed by step by step the different processes of making the chocolates in the photo above. But when I took most from the class, was the story she shared with us.

Chef Judy shared that she helped craft the tallest chocolate sculpture in 2008, with two other chef. One of them, she told us, was a Belgian chef who used to own a shop that sold beautiful artisan chocolates. Her friend would work on each chocolate by hand, pain-stakingly crafting each piece. The sad reality is, when it comes to production, it was difficult to compete with chocolate factories that could mass produce chocolate way faster. While the Belgian chef put in a lot of heart into his chocolate, yet when it comes to market forces, we seem to prefer the soulless mass produced chocolate. The shop isn't around anymore.

This has been something I have always wondered about cooking, or any other kind of art. The handcrafted art versus mass produced copies. What happened to the days when we used to appreciate the heart and soul that goes into making something beautiful? And how sad it is, that we make choices that drive these heart works out of existence. We get what we deserve, if we don't know how to appreciate the finer things in life needs effort, and deserves the time.

Don’t try to undo the past or the present, but you just accept where you are and work from there

In human life, if you feel that you have made a mistake, you don’t try to undo the past or the present, but you just accept where you are and work from there. Tremendous openness as to where you are is necessary. This also applies to the practice of meditation, for instance. A person should learn to meditate on the spot, in the given moment, rather than thinking, “. . . When I reach pension age, I’m going to retire and receive a pension, and I’m going to build my house in Hawaii or the middle of India, or maybe the Gobi Desert, and THEN I’m going to enjoy myself. I’ll live a life of solitude and then I’ll really meditate.” Things never happen that way.

— Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, Transcending Madness

Everybody's got a story to tell: Keanu Reeves

This guy reading the newspaper on the subway is Keanu Reeves.

He was from a problematic family. His father was arrested when he was 12 for drug dealing and his mother was a stripper. His family moved to Canada and there he had several step dads.

He watched his girlfriend die. They were about to get married, but she died in a car accident. Before that she had lost her baby. Since then Keanu avoids serious relationships and having kids.

He is one of the only Hollywood stars without a mansion. He said: 'I live in a flat, I have everything that I need at anytime, why choose an empty house?'

One of his best friends died by overdose, he was River Phoenix (Joaquin Phoenix's brother). About the same year Keanu's father was arrested again.

His younger sister had leukemia. Today she is cured, and he donated 70% of his gains from the movie Matrix to hospitals that treat leukemia.

On one of his birthdays, he went into a little candy shop, bought himself a cake, and started eating alone. If a fan walked by he would talk to them and offer some of the cake.

He doesn't have bodyguards. He doesn't wear fancy clothes.

When they asked him about 'Sad Keanu', he replied: 'You need to be happy to live, I don't.'"

Everybody's got a story to tell. Sometimes it's a really sad one, like his.

Now Reading: Eat & Run

Now reading: Eat & Run by Scott Jurek with Steve Friedman.

This Is How We Love Each Other

This Is How We Love Each Other

Line 20 of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra reads:

sraddha (faith) virya (energy/strength) smrti (memory) samadhirpajna (integration) purvaka (something preceded by)

Continuity of practice. This is how we love each other. We fail again and again because we can’t love each other unconditionally. We slip, we fall back and forget. But because of our practice, we’re not hard on ourselves. We fail, and our failures are ok. They can also be embraced with space and curiosity.

When difficult feelings surface perhaps you can begin to trust that your practice can take care of what is arising, of what is happening in your life. This faith (sraddha) gives you enthusiasm for this practice, though too much enthusiasm is not the best quality either. You know how you go to parties sometimes and there’s someone demonstrating yoga poses? You don’t need to become that person. Or there’s the person who comes to the sit for the first time, and the next week they arrive with their family in tow.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s Plum Village is a retreat destination each year for a particular couple, though the woman is not keen to go. The husband says to Thich Nhat Hanh, “My wife doesn’t like being here.” He replies, “I can tell.” The husband continues, “She just wants to be on a beach for her vacation.” Thich Nhat Hanh replies, “I think you should go to the beach.”

When there’s energy and enthusiasm (virya) in your practice you can practice smrti (memory) – to remember what’s important. And together energy, enthusiasm and memory give rise to samadhi: the connective tissue of integration. These five movements are circular. All of this you can watch through your breathing, and through your relations with others.

~ excerpt from How We Love Each Other